My father drinks every day: what should I do?

Living with an alcoholic parent can be an overwhelming and emotionally draining experience. If you’re grappling with a father who drinks excessively every day, you’re not alone. Many individuals face similar challenges, and while there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, there are steps you can take to navigate this difficult situation.

Let’s explore some strategies to help you cope and potentially improve your circumstances.

Understanding Alcoholism: More Than Just a Bad Habit

Before diving into solutions, it’s crucial to understand that alcoholism is not simply a lack of willpower or a bad habit. It’s a complex disease that affects both the brain and behavior, leading to an inability to control alcohol consumption¹.

Alcoholism can cause significant changes in a person’s behavior and personality. It’s not uncommon for individuals to seem like completely different people when under the influence.

This understanding is vital because it helps shift our perspective from blame to compassion, which is essential when dealing with an alcoholic parent.

In short, an alcoholic becomes a “different person,” which means he will hurt you – even if he doesn’t want to. Alcohol magnifies his faults.

The Impact of Living with an Alcoholic Parent

Living with a parent who drinks excessively can have far-reaching effects on your life²³:

• Emotional turmoil
• Unstable home environment
• Increased stress and anxiety
• Potential exposure to verbal or physical abuse
• Disrupted family dynamics
• Academic or work performance issues

This might sound harsh, but it’s true: an alcoholic father often raises a troubled son, even if that kid starts off good. As the child grows up, he’s likely to struggle with issues like drinking and anger. This is one reason why families in poverty often can’t break the cycle.

Strategies to Cope and Seek Help

1. Open Communication

When your father is sober, try to have an honest, non-confrontational conversation about his drinking and its impact on you and the family. Choose a time when he’s likely to be receptive and express your concerns calmly.

Using communication techniques like “nonviolent communication” can really help. Simply describe what you see and share the “pain” you and your mom are feeling, without blaming anyone.

This approach often works well with a father who has just started drinking too much, as it can remind him of his responsibilities as a dad.

Pro tip: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel worried when you drink every day” instead of “You’re ruining everything by drinking.”

2. Seek Professional Help

Encourage your father to seek professional help. This could include:

• Consulting with a mental health professional
• Joining Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings⁴
• Exploring rehabilitation programs

Remember, you can’t force someone to get help, but you can provide information and support.

Similarly, instead of saying, “You’re so bad you need treatment,” say, “If you don’t feel like you can handle alcohol, try getting treatment.”

3. Take Care of Yourself

It’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being. Consider:

• Joining support groups like Al-Anon or Alateen⁵
• Seeking therapy or counseling for yourself
• Engaging in stress-reducing activities like exercise, meditation, or hobbies

Sarah, a 19-year-old college student, found solace in art: “Painting became my escape. It helped me process my emotions and find moments of peace amidst the chaos at home.”

You can briefly try ways to escape the issue and avoid causing yourself harm (either physically or psychologically), but in the long run you will always have to face it and address it.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. This might include:

• Refusing to cover up for your father’s behavior
• Not engaging with him when he’s intoxicated
• Avoiding taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours

Remember, your father is an adult. You can feel sorry for him when he’s struggling with drinking, but you can’t take on the consequences of his choices. Always make sure to take care of yourself first before trying to help others.

5. Create a Safety Plan

If your father’s drinking leads to aggressive or violent behavior, it’s crucial to have a safety plan in place:

1. Identify safe places you can go
2. Keep important documents and some money in a safe, accessible place
3. Have a list of emergency contacts
4. Know the local domestic violence hotline number⁶

When alcoholism develops into domestic violence, don’t hesitate; the only thing you need to do is protect yourself.

When Nothing Seems to Work: Accepting Reality and Moving Forward

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can’t change someone else’s behavior. In these cases, it’s important to:

1. Accept what you can’t control: You’re not responsible for your father’s drinking.
2. Focus on what you can change: Your own life, choices, and future.
3. Consider your options: This might include moving out if you’re of age and it’s financially feasible.

Alright, let’s be the “ungrateful” person here. When dealing with a terrible family, leaving the city and starting fresh can be the harshest yet most effective way to cope. Many people have found this to be true.

Topic Separation: A 100% Effective (and Cold) Solution

Topic separation is a psychology concept⁷. When you’ve tried everything and you’re still hurting, it’s the only way out.

It’s pretty simple:

Dad’s stuff (his choices, his consequences):

1. Chose to drink
2. Got trapped in alcoholism
3. Can’t change
4. Turned his and the family’s life into a nightmare
5. And… worse (you know what I mean)

Kid’s stuff (my choices, my consequences):

1. Tried hard to save Dad
2. Realized I can’t save him
3. Moved out to a new city, started my own family
4. Stopped messing with Dad’s drinking, no matter what
5. Only pay the bare minimum to support parents, within legal limits

This way, you’ve separated Dad’s issues from yours. It’s not about being a “bad person.” It’s about seeing what’s your responsibility, doing what you need to do, and owning up to your choices.

If you are interested in this practice, read the book, The Courage to be Hated.

Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns

Q: Am I responsible for my father’s drinking?

A: Absolutely not. Your father’s alcoholism is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to “fix” him.

Q: Can I force my father to stop drinking?

A: Unfortunately, no. The decision to stop drinking must come from the individual. Your role is to support, not to control.

Q: What if my father becomes violent when drunk?

A: Your safety is paramount. If you ever feel in danger, leave immediately and call for help. Domestic violence is a crime, regardless of the perpetrator’s intoxication level⁸.

Moving Forward: Hope and Healing

While dealing with an alcoholic parent is challenging, it’s important to remember that healing and growth are possible. Many people have navigated similar situations and gone on to lead fulfilling lives.

Consider joining online forums or local support groups to connect with others who understand your experiences. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

As you navigate this difficult journey, hold onto hope. Your father’s choices don’t define you, and you have the power to shape your own future, regardless of his actions.

If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for support. You’re not alone in this, and there are people and resources available to help you through this challenging time.

Remember, your well-being matters. Take care of yourself, seek support, and keep moving forward. Your resilience in the face of this challenge is a testament to your strength.

1. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/3909-alcoholism ↩︎
2. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcohol/support-recovery/child ↩︎
3. https://alcohol.org/helping-an-alcoholic/children-of-alcoholics/ ↩︎
4. https://www.aa.org/ ↩︎
5. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/ ↩︎
6. https://www.thehotline.org/ ↩︎
7. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-experience/201901/overview-separation-theory ↩︎
8. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8729263/ ↩︎